


Distance And Time

by e_mors



Series: Make It Good [15]
Category: Actor RPF, Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 09:03:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_mors/pseuds/e_mors
Summary: Timmy's at Coachella and Armie's in New Orleans as they try to establish new outlook on their relationship.





	Distance And Time

**Author's Note:**

> I know it probably bores you guys, but - as usual - the title is from a song called [So Many Roads](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aJ4MTR9Ygg) by Fink.

„When’s your flight?”

There is a pause. It’s so loud out there, that he doesn’t even hear his breathing, there’s nothing to draw from. He tries not to give in to the frustration, but it really unnerves him that Timmy’s at some stupid festival and not in his arms already.

„Tim?”

The anxiety is building up the longer the silence lasts. Armie doesn’t know what he would do if Timmy was not coming.

„I’m flying straight to Paris from here and go to London from there.”

„What?” he feels a pang in his heart and the blood seems to have stopped moving in his veins.

„There’s nothing I can do.” Timmy’s voice is distant.

He lights a cigarette, the taste of it makes him grimace, bringing no relief whatsoever.

„But.. I have to see you.” He mutters it more to himself than to Tim.

Is this how it’s always going to be? He thought this exhausting longing that he lived with for the last two years was finally ending, but it seems now that he couldn’t be more wrong. Will there ever be an end to it? Maybe that’s what he deserves, he thinks bitterly.

Timmy is silent.

„Tim, talk to me, please.”

When he speaks, he sounds so lorn that Armie stops breathing for a moment.

„Maybe it’s for the best.”

They might have won the war but they are both so winded that it feels more like a defeat, Armie understands.

He just wishes he could hold him right now. Words are barren, they always lose compared to touch, always.

„I mean.. I mean you should sort everything out with Elizabeth and we should keep low profile anyway.”

Armie is pretty sure that’s not what he means at all.

„Please, don’t do this, T. Don’t shut me out, not now, not after everything.”

„I’m so tired, Armie. I’m so tired of all this fucking talking.”

Armie’s resigned, the helplessness overwhelms him.

„Come to me, then. We won’t be talking, I promise.” He sighs at the mere thought.

„I really can’t. I can’t fuck this up, Armie. It’s important to me.”

Armie can’t dismiss the hurt that washes over him. He understands but at the same time he wants to scream. He gave so much, he fought so hard, how can it be less important than a job, a movie, anything.

He composes himself, trying to ignore the pain in his chest.

„You just said you missed me.”

„I do. But I can’t let this rule over my entire life, Armie. I can’t let that happen.”

„I get it.” Armie lies through his teeth. He knows that if this conversation continues he’s going to say things he will regret.

„Listen, I need to go, so I hope you have fun tonight and..” he doesn’t finish. What is there to say?

„Armie?” There is a softer tone to Tim’s voice now, apologetic.

„Yes?” Armie hates himself for the hope that immediately wakes in his stomach and makes his voice sound weak and needy.

„I’m sorry.”

That’s not what he wanted to hear.

„Me too” he says simply and ends the call.

 

_______

 

 

It’s 4 in the morning as he waits for his flight and fights the urge to call Armie. The guilt is eating him up, accompanied by shame and he needs to make amends, because he can accurately imagine the pain he caused. So he writes an e-mail and hopes Armie will read it when he wakes up.

 

_Armie,_

_I’m so sorry for yesterday. You must feel so disappointed in me. And hurt._

_I behaved like a total asshole, when I should have just talked to you. I regret it now, I really do. There is so much for me to learn, please forgive me. I promise I won't cut you off like that again._

_I know I’ve put you in this mess in the first place and now you most likely think I’m running away again. And in some ways I am but it’s not what you think, I promise._

_I actually hope it will do me good, it will do us both good. The distance I mean. Because I got so wrapped up in all of this that I don’t know what to do._

_It probably sounds stupid but Coachella was a turning point for me. Man, I used to love concerts, you know how much music means to me. But it turned out I couldn’t enjoy it. I just couldn’t feel anything. It felt like I was in some kind of cage made of fog, separating me from the reality. I felt hollow and unresponsive, completely drained, joyless and unconnected to the world around me._

_It's like this thing between us has taken all the space, eaten up everything in me, leaving absolutely no room for anything else. All this drama, the intensity of it left me immune to normal emotions. And it scared me, Armie. It scares me shitless._

_So maybe it is for the best to have a break from each other, to take this time to clean up our minds and our lives, detox, refresh, regroup, whatever. I need to make sure I can be myself without the constantly amplified level of emotions that I have been living in for the past two years. I need to find peace and joy in normality, in the median, because I’m scared I got hooked up on those extremes, like an addict, you know?_

_I’m thinking that maybe it’s the universe working for us again - by putting us in these projects that separate us to give us exactly what we require. I hope you understand._

_I am just beginning to be an adult, I am just building grounds for my career, my independence, myself. How can I do that, when there is nothing else but you? How can I work, how can I function, when my mind and my body is attuned to you 24/7? I want to be able to focus on work and do a good job, do something that I’m proud of and make you proud of me too. Honestly, I’m really worried I won’t be able to do that._

_There is another thing I came to understand and accept while being here._ _I love you._

_I think I might have not been sure before, what it was exactly, you know? Or maybe I was just scared to put a definite name to it, I don't know. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore, because now I’m certain and I want you to know that. I need you to know that._

_I want nothing more than to be your partner but if I am to be with you I need to be your equal, I need to know who I am and what I can give you._

_So I need some time to figure that out, because right now I’m completely lost, infinitely tired and I just don’t feel ready._

_I’ll call you as soon as I land._

_Yours,_

_T._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [subjectivelyspeaking](https://subjectivelyspeaking.tumblr.com/) at tumblr, if you want to chat or somethin' :*


End file.
